Pride

I seem to have an issue with having my own definition for things.  My definitions aren’t entirely untrue, but are certainly not all-encompassing and fully accurate.  If you had asked me two weeks ago how I would define prideful behavior, I would have told you that it’s someone who can’t admit when they’re wrong.  Which is true.  However, being prideful is so much more than that.  It is a way of being, and looking at the world, through selfish and self-centered eyes.  We can only see our own point of view, and have expectations of others, instead of living to serve. 

I’ve written about my issues here, here, here, here, here, and here.  And, especially, here.  In all the situations I wrote about previously, I was able to come to some kind of “solution.”  Forcing myself to look at things a different way.  Or, train myself to be different.  While I can appreciate the fact that I was trying to address my issues, I can see now that I wasn’t looking deep enough.  In the future, I need to try to tie an action or quality I don’t like about myself, back to a personal value.  And, then address the value.  That being said, it appears that pride is the root of all of my issues!  

It feels so good to have finally figured that out!!  I feel lighter, like a huge weight has been lifted.  With each of my previous posts, I always felt like I wasn’t fully eliminating the issue.  And, that there was still something I was missing.  Now I know!  

There are many symptoms of Pride, all of which I am guilty of.

Critical of Others: I am extremely judgmental.  It’s very easy for me to see and point out the faults in others (hi smokers!), but am completely blind to my own faults.  I’ve learned to try to conceal my judgements, but let’s be honest, our thoughts translate into our actions and words, whether we want them to or not.

Lack of Compassion: Because I’m so critical of others, I lack compassion.  I look at everyone else’s faults as a huge inconvenience, and because of my frustration will treat people poorly.  We all have struggles.  And, I am certainly not exempt from having issues, which affect (or inconvenience) those around me.

Superficiality: A huge reason that I’m so prideful, is that I never want to seem like I don’t have my stuff together.  I want others to perceive me as together, successful, self-sufficient, and an overall exemplary individual.  Ha!  It was a serious blow to my pride, and brought a number of insecurities to the surface, when I learned that people could see through my facade. 

Create Insecurities: Who would have thought that pride creates insecurities!?  But alas, insecurities and pride go hand in hand.  I’m so worried about seeming like the perfect woman, that I need constant reassurance that others see what I want them to.  I know I'm not perfect, but damn if I don’t pretend like I am.  So, when someone would point out something about myself that I didn’t want to see, I would immediately implode, pull away, and either become angry or depressed.

Defensiveness: Though I’ve gotten better over the years, in regards to learning to accept feedback (which I always took as criticism), I still hate to hear that I’m wrong.  It used to irk the crap out of me, that my ex always seemed to be right about everything.  Thus, in my mind, I was wrong about everything.  I would get (and still do once in a while) incredibly defensive and will start to come back with snotty comments, or sheer anger.  Each time my ex let me know that there was something I was doing that would jeopardize our relationship, I would get so angry with him.  I would point my finger right back at him and say, “No, it’s your fault!”  And, because, my pride was bruised, and I was angry and adamant that I wasn’t doing anything wrong, an apology or even admitting I was wrong, was completely out of the question.

Attention Seeking:  Prideful people are incredibly self-centered.  I know I am.  While I don’t always like to be the center of attention, there are times that I wish that I was, and have noticed that I will somehow always bring the conversation back to myself.   If I’m only focused on myself, I’m therefore, neglecting those around me.  I often find that I’m so absorbed with what’s going on my life… how I can’t get vacation time, how I never get to hang out with my special guy, how I’m such a failure because I’m not married yet, or have kids, or own my own home, that I can’t get out of my own head long enough to ask a friend how they’re doing, or even remember an important event happening in their lives.  

It’s no wonder that my last relationship didn’t work out.  How could it, if pride was and still is, such a huge part of myself? 

As I go throughout my day, I’ve begun to notice when pride takes over.  And, am trying to stop my initial response, and act in a non-prideful way instead.  However, this method never seems to be enough to me.  I'm in search of a way to remove the bad, sinful pride from my heart.