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Pointing That Finger Back on Myself


In my past relationship I felt so neglected and unloved.  I felt ignored and in certain ways disrespected.  So, when my ex said that I was making him feel all those same things, it kind of blew my mind.  How could he possibly feel neglected?  I was the one who was being constantly brushed aside unless it was convenient.  Wasn’t I?  I’ve been so frustrated and hurt by the tumultuous parts of the relationship, that I can’t see past my own nose to see that I was not the only one suffering.  In fact, I was the cause of most of the issues that our relationship held. 

I’ve noticed that so often when I criticize someone for something, I’m actually guilty of exactly the same thing.  Not always the specific action the other person is taking, but rather the underlying issue.  In response to my little self-discovery, I’ve decided to point my finger right back on myself.  And, to look at all the things that I felt bad about in the relationship and see what actions I made that caused my ex to feel exactly the same way.

I’ve made myself a list of all of the things that I feel like I did wrong and need to improve on if I’m going to have a healthy relationship in the future.  Don’t get me wrong, there are still many things that I believe that my ex did that needs to be addressed as well.  I’m not entirely blaming myself.  But, I’ve learned that I can’t change other people.  Getting mad about not being able to change other people doesn’t get you anywhere.  I can only change myself.  So, I’m focusing entirely on me.  My ex, turned friend, can do whatever he wants, but I’m going to live up to my own standards and be the woman I want to be.     

  • I let my insecurities rule my actions, and instead of trying to make something right, I would pull away because I assumed he didn’t like me and wouldn’t want anything from me.
  • When I get mad or hurt, I pull away.  I ignored him, and wouldn’t call him or text when I normally would.  He might have needed me… a kind word, moral support, but instead I was too in my own head.  I’m vindictive, and hold grudges and wanted to punish him for hurting me.
  • I wouldn’t tell him when I was hurting.  I’m sure all he saw was that I had pulled away for no reason.
  • I get defensive very easily and have a hard time admitting that I’m wrong.  Instead of saying yes, you’re right I’m doing XYZ.  I said, “So… you do a ton of crap that irritates me!”
  • I never acknowledged and took responsibility for how I was treating him.
  • I would throw my own version of a temper tantrum and talk over him and talk back defensively.  I never really heard most of the messages he was trying to get across.
  • I would get bored and start doing something else or drift off in thought because of something he said, and would not be paying attention to what he was actually saying.  And, then I would say something stupid because I wasn’t listening. 
  • I avoided talking about our problems.  I hate talking about anything serious because it seems like it always leads to something unpleasant.  Not, a coming together to fix an issue type of thing.

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