Self-Love and a Bit of Religion

I’ve heard it said before that if there was only person on the Earth, Jesus still would have died on the cross for that one person.  Now, nowhere in the Bible is this written, but I do believe that God’s love for each of us is immense.  Up until recently, I, without a doubt, believed this statement was true for everyone but me.  I knew that my belief had to do with a lack of love for myself, but I didn’t know how to think otherwise.  Then, several weeks ago, I was sitting in church, listening to the priest give the Homily, and it dawned on me… I don’t think I deserve love.  Again, I struggled.  How exactly do you believe that you deserve love?  In my opinion, standing in front of a mirror trying to convince yourself that you’re worthy of love by reciting “I love you” over and over again is not effective.

Reading this Ted Conversation really put things into perspective for me.  I needed to look at the reasons why I didn’t feel worthy of love.  Once I understood what was causing me to think this way, all of a sudden, I felt relief.  There are actually valid reasons for not feeling unworthy!

Shame.  I am so ashamed of the way I used to think, and how I used to act.  There were so many times that I acted selfishly, and let my feelings rule my actions.  How could I have been so simple minded!?  But, I can’t go back and change the past.  I can only be better going forward.  I can see positive changes in myself over the last several years.  And, I’m only going to get wiser.

Inadequacy.  I perpetually feel inadequate.  If I make a mistake, I assume anyone else would have done it perfectly.  I feel like I’m always letting people down, and am a disappointment to everyone in my life.  I was telling one of my friends that I feel so guilty for not visiting my parents more frequently.  I just didn’t feel like driving the five to six hours to see them.  But I still felt like I should be doing more.  Then my friend asked me, “How many times a year do you consider to be enough to visit?”  And, all I could do was sit there in silence.  I was stunned.  I had no idea how many visits per year would be enough.  I was really basing it off of how many times it took to not be nagged about it.  Once I decided what I considered to be a reasonable number of times to visit my parents per year, I felt so much better, because I was living up to my expectations.  From now on, when I notice myself feeling inadequate, I’m going to consider whether or not I’m living up to my own expectations.  I’ll never just reach a point where I feel that I’ve done enough.

For me, feelings of inadequacy also come from not reaching my goals.  Sure, not reaching a goal is pretty discouraging, and can be very upsetting if you’ve given everything you have.  But, I’ve noticed that when I don’t really try, or give 100%, that’s when I feel like a complete waste of space.  So, now, instead of feeling down, in these instances, I admit to myself that I didn’t really try.  Therefore, I can’t be upset for not accomplishing my goal.  I keep in mind that if something is really important to you, getting motivated won’t seem like such a chore.  This causes me to do a little reflection to see if my original goal is something I actually want.   

Criticism from others.  I always worry what other people think of me.  Anytime I make a mistake, I think people look at me as this simple, clueless girl, who they’ll just have to work around.  No one, despite appearances, fully has their act together.  Again, I need to live up to my own expectations.  Am I happy with my performance?  Am I living up to my own values?  As long as I’m living up to my own values, who cares what people think.

Validation from others.  I really used to thrive on praise from others.  I constantly needed to hear that I did a good job from my supervisors at work, teachers, my parents or friends.  While, I need less validation in that regard, I’ve been seeking another type of validation without realizing it.  I thought that if I could just get a boyfriend – a man to love me – then that would prove that I’m worth loving.  Even in my past relationship, I would think I wasn’t worth loving if my boyfriend didn’t meet some random expectation.  I have to remember that external circumstances will not bring me true happiness, nor will it make me feel worthy of love.  Not to mention, I have no control over the actions of others.