Anger is Poison of the Mind

This past Sunday I had a huge fight with a good friend... someone I consider to be my best friend.  And, it's all because when he told me that by doing certain things was hurting his feelings, I responded with, "So... you make me feel that way all the time."  I really didn't care that I was hurting my friend.  In fact, I relished in the fact that he was feeling exactly the way that he makes me feel on, what seems like, a pretty regular basis.  I thought I had moved past my anger and resentment, adjusting my expectations so that I wasn't perpetually disappointed.  But, the truth is, I still have expectations.  And, telling myself that I don't deserve something or that I shouldn't expect certain things isn't helping either.  I was just trying to convince myself that my needs didn't matter.

 
I find it very easy to forgive someone when they've made a mistake, and then act differently going forward.  But, it's so much harder when the person hurting my feelings isn’t at least trying to change their actions, or there's no effort to even meet, what I would be consider to be, half way.  Does it really matter if my expectations aren't met?  Not really.  The world will still continue to turn.  So, I've been trying to determine what I consider an actual relationship deal-breaking need, versus, something I just want.  And, then it got me thinking that even if I do get my need met, I'll probably want more.  I'll never be satisfied.  So, how do I become satisfied with where I am in life, but still strive to grow as a person and move forward?
 
First things first... I'm addressing my anger and resentment.

Resentment is extremely powerful.  Instead of thinking back on some course of events as if we’re casually perusing a list of facts, mentally, we are actually replaying the feelings we experienced during that time, and therefore, re-experiencing the same pain over and over again.  I found this deeper understanding of what my mind was doing to be rather helpful.  Because, I dwell on things.  I’ll dwell on incidents that have occurred, or simply have the potential to occur based off of how people have acted in the past.  I’ll let the anger consume me.  I let it consume me because on some level it feels like by being angry and resentful towards the person who hurt me, it causes the other person the same hurt they inflicted on me.  I came across a very wise quote in my quest for a better understanding of my resentment.  “Living with resentment is like taking poison and expecting the other guy to die.”  Being resentful hurts no one but myself, and anyone else that may have the misfortune of coming into contact with me while I’m mentally engrossed in an argument with my offender.
  
In the past, I've found it helpful to find a new perspective on the situation.  Once I can see my issue in a new light, the anger immediately lifts, and I've never gone back to feeling the same way.   I found this article on Tiny Buddha to be a good place to start for some new perspective.  Below are some new outlooks that I've found to be most helpful:

• Remember that we are all doing the best we can at the time.
• The harder it is to forgive someone else, the more I am responsible. When I understand and forgive myself, forgiving others is easy.
• Forgiveness comes easy when you know that what people say or do is about them, it’s not about you. 
• When it happens I often ask myself “What strengths must I develop further from this?” Often the feeling of resentment just goes away, slowly but surely, because I wasn’t focusing on the person that wronged me, but the lesson that the event was trying to tell me. 

After some self-reflection, I came up with two additional reference points.  First, it would be helpful to remember that I’m not perfect either.  I certainly hurt people’s feelings.  Sometimes and I mean to, and sometimes I don’t.  I do things repeatedly even though I know another person has expressed that they dislike it.  In the past, I have clung to the defense that I can’t stop myself from doing whatever it is they don’t like.  Or, I just don’t know another way to act.  Regardless of whether I can’t stop myself or not, I’m not changing.  I’m still continuing to hurt the other person, and I in turn, become the offender.  I need to remember to let go of the things that I can’t change.  I can’t control other people’s actions.  But, I can control my own.  

Second, I need to be grateful for the people in my life.  Everyone makes mistakes and we all hurt each others feelings from time to time.  I need to be grateful that there are people in this world that want to be my friend.  I can tell from first-hand experience that being alone really sucks.  It seems so second nature to pull away and protect yourself from others when they hurt you, but man… being alone is miserable.