Diary of a Spinster and Lunatic

As I enter the new year, I feel hopeful. I came across this quote on Pinterest recently, and it really resonated with me. So often, I want to avoid the day, and really avoid life in general.  I just want to stay in bed in the morning.  It's not just that I don't like getting up early, or that I don't want to go to work.  I've been wanting to avoid life!  There have been times, too numerous to count, that I would rather pull away from the world and not have to talk to anyone or live up to the expectations. That funk that I was in, that pity party I was throwing for myself because I wasn't getting what I thought I deserved... pride.  All pride. No more. I'm still not a huge morning person.  But, when I get up in the morning, I look forward to seeing what new lessons there will be to learn.  I look forward to growing and challenging myself.  I'm excited to grow my faith.  I feel like I'm finally working towards something important!  I'm not

It's hard to believe that 2016 is almost over.  What a year it has been.  While I feel like I made great strides in personal growth, as well as accomplished a number of my goals, it still feels like I didn't do anything.  There's always that internal nagging that I can do more.  Even though I hadn't formalized my resolution list yet, I started some of my goals the day after Christmas.  Why wait for January 1, when I can start immediately?  I'm back to a more rigorous exercise routine.  I'm cutting out the bad habits and addictions, and forcing myself to take on challenges, instead of succumbing to not doing anything, or taking the easier route. My main focus is still on personal growth, and being a better person.  A better friend, a better loved one, a better daughter.  To stop focusing on what I'm not getting, and take pleasure in doing things for others.  What I've learned is that in some cases, once I get what I think I need, I really don't

After last weeks post, I really started to become aware of how often pride takes over my actions.  I'm so embarrassed to admit that pride is such a huge part of who I am!  There is literally not an hour that goes by that I don't do something prideful.  And, by that I mean, bad prideful.  Not, the healthy kind. It always drives me nuts, when there is a problem that I can't find an easy step-by-step process to beat.  Like, if I want to lose weight, it's a matter of eating healthier, and exercising more.  It's calories in versus calories out.  But, when it comes to changing parts of who I am, I'm never quite sure what the answer is, or rather the correct path to follow to get to my goal. I think that opening my heart to God, and really deepening my relationship with Him is the answer.  However, when I first discovered this truth, my first reaction was, "And how do I do that!?"  Well, the same way that we deepen our relationship with our friends.  I

I seem to have an issue with having my own definition for things.   My definitions aren’t entirely untrue, but are certainly not all-encompassing and fully accurate .   If you had asked me two weeks ago how I would define prideful behavior, I would have told you that it’s someone who can’t admit when they’re wrong.   Which is true.   However, being prideful is so much more than that.   It is a way of being, and looking at the world, through selfish and self-centered eyes.   We can only see our own point of view, and have expectations of others, instead of living to serve.   I’ve written about my issues here , here , here , here , here , and here .   And, especially, here .  In all the situations I wrote about previously, I was able to come to some kind of “solution.”   Forcing myself to look at things a different way.   Or, train myself to be different.   While I can appreciate the fact that I was trying to address my issues, I can see now that I wasn’t looking deep enough.

It feels like I have devoured an exorbitant amount of food over the last few weeks.  On top of it being Thanksgiving, and eating constantly for days, my best girlfriend was visiting from London!  It's been almost a year since I've seen her.  So, I soaked up as much time as I could get with my bestie, Thus, I ate out and drank more than I usually do. I'm still down a few pounds from my brief diet before Thanksgiving, but I still have a ways to go.  I wish I had a scale to actually measure my successes and failures. My only measurement is how bloated I feel, and how tight my clothes are. Our bodies are actually pretty efficient, and are self-cleaning and detoxifying.  But, sometimes we need to give them a little help.  I am a huge lover of all things yoga.  So, my answer to my overeating (and drinking), was doing detox yoga routines all of this week.  Detox yoga tends to include a lot of twists and binds.  By doing twisting poses, we are massaging and compressing the inte

  Ahh… the holidays are officially here and in full swing.   I had the most lovely visit with my family over Thanksgiving.   I am so blessed!!   We ate way too much, watched way too much football for my taste, and really just hunkered down for a couple of days enjoying each other’s company.   I didn’t even mind all the stuff everywhere.   J   I felt sad and lonely after everyone left on Saturday.   Luckily, I’ll get to see them again in a few weeks!!   There were many lessons learned over those couple of days.   For one, I need to maintain a healthy and active mind.   I also, need to stay on top of my hearing and monitor the progression of loss.   After being around my parents for a few days, I see my future, and I’m screwed.   LOL.   I paid attention at how my parents and my sister and her girlfriend interacted, and I can see evidence of the importance of maintaining open communication, and remaining friends with your relationship partner.   There were also hostess lesso

My parents posted this excerpt from Dragnet to their Facebook page recently.   I found the message incredibly insightful.   Something that I find difficult in my life is to keep things in perspective.   Experience matters.   And, it makes a huge difference on how we view the world and our everyday lives.   If we don’t go through hardships, we would never appreciate the good things in our lives.   Yeah, there are days when I seriously hate my job.   But, when I stop and look back at all of the horrible jobs I’ve had in the past, my job, even on a really bad and stressful day, is really great.   I actually enjoy what I do.  And, for the first time in my life I feel like I have a purpose and contribute to the business of my company.   Instead of looking at those stressful days, where it feels like the whole world is against you, as a bad day.   I plan to look at those days as a day of personal growth, and be grateful for the experience.

…than right now to start making changes.   Over the summer, I put on some additional weight.   Personally, I blame the cheeseburgers and chili cheese fries on the cruise I took in August.   Regardless of the cause, I haven’t been feeling like myself.   I feel uncomfortable in my own skin.   With Thanksgiving right around the corner, I didn’t want to look at the amazing feast that my family and I put together with dread, knowing that it was just going to add to my expanding waist line.   So, I promised myself that I would lose at least 5 pounds (half the overall weight I need to lose) in the 10 days leading up to the holiday.   Not an unattainable goal.   I’m asking for a Fitbit for Christmas, and can’t wait to track all of my activity and vital signs.   But, why wait until Christmas when I can start now?   I’m hoping to lose the additional 5-6 pounds I need to lose by Christmas, but I’ll take another look at my goals after next week.   I want to feel sexy for New Year’s E

It is T minus 10 days until Thanksgiving!   And, only 8 days until my parents arrive.   Even though I’ve been slowly prepping over the last 4 to 6 weeks, there is still so much to do!   And, I find myself feeling both excited and anxious all at the same time.   After my parents moved away a couple years ago, I started to take over hosting Thanksgiving for my family.   I love the idea of having my family close and enjoying a few days together where we do nothing but eat too much, watch holiday movies, and play games.   That being said, I live in a small apartment.   So, while I look forward to having my family stay with me this time of year, it’s also a source of anxiety and stress.   It’s hard having 5 adults and a dog in such a small space.   Not to mention, the week of Thanksgiving is pretty much the only time I ever have guests.   I’ve gotten really used to doing things my way.   And, while I love my family dearly, it starts to feel like they’re underfoot.   As I’ve be

Thank you, Veterans, for your service and sacrifice. 

I love the opportunity to learn something new about myself, and further develop my relationship skills, romantic or otherwise.   So, after reading this blog post last Friday, I immediately walked to my local Barnes and Nobles and picked up a copy of Attached.   The book describes, from a scientific perspective, how we as humans develop attachments to other people, specifically a potential mate.   I’ve often looked at other couples and wondered how their relationship seems so effortless.   Which makes me wonder, why do I seem to struggle so badly in the romance department?   What’s wrong with me!? The book describes three types of people, with the majority of the population being the secure category. Anxious people are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner’s ability to love them back. Avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness. Secure people feel comfortable with intim

OoooOooo! I carved my first pumpkin last night, and it brought back such memories.  I had forgotten what a fresh pumpkin smelled like.  All of a sudden, I was transported back to when my family sat around the island in the kitchen and watched as my Dad did the honors, and carved our family pumpkin.  Thinking about it makes me smile.   I’m feeling rather nostalgic today.   I’ve been thinking of Halloween’s of the past, where I went trick-or-treating with friends, or when I went out partying in college.   The antics, the many costumes, mischief night fun… so many great memories.   There are times when I look back and feel like I really lived.   I don’t want to take those experiences for granted or devalue the things I did.   Sometimes I don’t count my experiences because they doesn’t seem as cool or as bad-ass as something someone else did.   Today, I am grateful.   Grateful for my family and my friends.   For the beauty of fall, and the change of seasons.   Happy Hall

Eight years ago, my roommate lost her job, and decided to move about forty-five minutes away to be closer to her boyfriend.   Thus, I moved into my first apartment by myself.   At the same time, all of my friends got married.   And, I mean all of them.   In eight months, I attended five weddings, three of which I was a bridesmaid.   Financially, it was a very stressful time.   But, it taught me something.   I learned what was important to me, and what I could live without.   Over the years I have gotten a little bit more lax in some areas, largely due to wage increases, but I still “run a tight ship” as I like to tell people.   I track all my expenses in a spreadsheet, so that I know how much money I have to spend through the end of the month.   And, I always make sure to allocate money to my savings account.   I kind of treat it like a bill.   It’s just that instead of sending the money to someone else, I just move a certain amount into my savings account every month.   I’ve

This time of year, I always become bitter.  I’m angry at the fact that I want to go out and purchase some big chunky sweaters, warm winter coats, and some new boots, but I can’t.  Or, rather, I won’t allow myself to.  I become angry that I have to start my holiday prepping months in advance because I can’t afford to drop hundreds and hundreds of dollars during the months of November and December.  I envy my married friends who have a dual income, and can afford to spend a little more freely.  Truth?  I’m assuming that I deserve to be able to work 9-5, and have the lifestyle I want.  I don’t.  I’m assuming that I deserve to purchase all these material items, when in fact, there are some that I don’t really need.  I just want them.  I want to dress a certain way to show that I have more class than people like the guy who lives below me who smokes pot roughly 5 days a week.  Or, the people in my apartment community that leave their trash laying in the parking lot, instead of tak

When life has cut too deep and left you hurting The future you had hoped for is now burning And the dreams you held so tight lost their meaning And you don't know if you'll ever find the healing You're gonna make it You're gonna make it And the night can only last for so long Whatever you're facing If your heart is breaking There's a promise for the ones who just hold on Lift up your eyes and see The sun is rising The sun is rising Every high and every low you're gonna go through You don't have to be afraid I am with you In the moments you're so weak you feel like stopping Let the hope you have light the road you're walking You're gonna make it You're gonna make it The night can only last for so long Whatever you're facing If your heart is breaking There's a promise for the ones who just hold on Lift up your eyes and see The sun is rising Even when you can't imagine how How you're ever gonn

This year has been a year of firsts, and many personal self discoveries. Among other things, I went on my first day trip by myself, tried growing tomatoes, and have hung out at a bar alone.   It feels so good to learn and experience new things, no matter how small they may be.   I’ve really been trying to maintain a state of constant learning.   I used to think that learning always required my nose to be stuck in a book, but it can be done, not only through the act of trying new things, but also by simply paying attention to yourself.   I love that I learn something new about myself almost every day. Now that the weather is turning chilly, I decided to try my hand at baking pumpkin bread.   I’m one of those people that will pin things to my Pinterest Recipes board, but never actually make them.   So, I took a stab at this one , and it turned out really well !   I’m actually going to make this for my family to eat while they’re over for Thanksgiving weekend.   

Alarm clock screaming bare feet hit the floor It’s off to the races everybody out the door I’m feeling like I’m falling behind, it’s a crazy life Ninety miles an hour going fast as I can Trying to push a little harder trying to get the upper hand So much to do in so little time, it’s a crazy life It’s ready, set, go it’s another wild day When the stress is on the rise in my heart I feel You say just (chorus) Breathe, just breathe Come and rest at My feet And be, just be Chaos calls but all you really need Is to just breathe Third cup of joe just to get me through the day Wanna make the most of time but I feel it slip away I wonder if there’s something more to this crazy life I’m busy, busy, busy, and it’s no surprise to see That I only have time for me, me, me There’s gotta be something more to this crazy life I’m hanging on tight to another wild day When it starts to fall apart in my heart I hear You say just (chorus) Breathe, just breathe Com

At last, I have come to the seventh and final chakra! The seventh, or crown chakra, is located at the crown of the head and is associated with spirituality.   When this chakra is open and balanced, there is a sense of unity, and the realization that everything is connected at a very basic level.   Life has a deeper meaning.   There are no longer limitations of the body.   And, there is a level of selfless devotion to others, because you see them as a part of you, and not separate. If the chakra is over-active you might be considered someone who is “out there”.   And, someone others might find difficulty relating to.   You might have a god-like complex, and consider yourself better than others around you.   If the chakra is under-active, you feel like you lack purpose.   You might feel unloved, are angry and/or bitter, and blame everything outside of yourself.   There are several physical, as well as psychological symptoms: Physical Symptoms : Light sensitivity Headac