Attached

I love the opportunity to learn something new about myself, and further develop my relationship skills, romantic or otherwise.  So, after reading this blog post last Friday, I immediately walked to my local Barnes and Nobles and picked up a copy of Attached.  The book describes, from a scientific perspective, how we as humans develop attachments to other people, specifically a potential mate.  I’ve often looked at other couples and wondered how their relationship seems so effortless.  Which makes me wonder, why do I seem to struggle so badly in the romance department?  What’s wrong with me!?

The book describes three types of people, with the majority of the population being the secure category.

Anxious people are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner’s ability to love them back.

Avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness.

Secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving.

After taking the handy dandy questionnaire within the book, my suspicions were confirmed… I’m an anxious person.  I’ve always known that I crave physical affection, and need reassurance from my significant other that they’re there.  I also like to hear the words, “I love you.”  I learned that this doesn’t make me crazy or overly needy.  In fact there is a deeper reason for my anxiety.  I’m gauging the overall health of my relationship on the closeness I feel with my relationship partner.  If I haven’t heard from my significant other in a while, I fear that my boyfriend is angry with me.  It doesn’t matter if the last time we spoke, the conversation ended on a good note.  So, my need to hear from my boyfriend periodically throughout the day, and the reason I take it so personally if he doesn’t want to spend time with me, is because I’m anxious.  I need to be close and reassured that the relationship is ok. 

Does that mean that I’m going to let my anxiety get the better of me, because I now have an excuse for my actions?  No.  In fact, the book stressed that healthy communication is important in relieving the anxiety, and will help create a secure relationship between two people, regardless of whether they are secure or insecure.  I learned many valuable things from this book, but the big action item that I’m taking away is that I need to communicate more effectively with my significant other.  Plus, now that I know the reason for my actions, I can work on my internal self-talk, and be able to calm myself down without having to rely on my relationship partner to do it for me.