Criticism

Criticism seems to be tricky.  Where is the line between healthy feedback, which may seem like criticism to the other party?  Or, being overly critical to the point that the person providing feedback, is the one with the larger issue? 

This has been an on-going internal struggle for me.  I know that, in the past, I’ve looked at constructive feedback as being criticized.  I got defensive, and frustrated, because from my perspective, the person I considered to be the critic, was not clear in what they wanted to me to do to fix it.  In hind-sight, I can see where they were clear, I just wasn’t able to see past my hurt/embarrassed/prideful feelings, at the time.  On the other hand, can some people just be overly critical, and really make things worse, as opposed to  making them better? 

I came across this article, by the Harvard Business Review, which provided proof that people can be overly critical, and I immediately clung to it.  Finally, proof that it wasn’t just me!  I’m not saying I wasn’t doing the things that people have gotten on me for, but I loved the fact that they could be taking their job providing feedback too seriously.  It’s amazing how we cling to the information that proves what we want to hear isn’t it?  We will always favor the articles and facts in favor of what we want something to be. 

So, what is the real, actual truth here? 

Some people, no matter how nicely you provide the feedback will always take it in a negative way, where at the other end of the spectrum, there are those that feel the need to change everyone.  Where the line is between the healthy and unhealthy, I’m still not sure.  But, what I’m trying to take away from this learning experience, is that if I notice myself being critical of someone, I’m going to question whether or not I’m also an offender.  The last thing I want to be is a hypocrite. 

Years ago, when I lived with my last roommate, she ended up losing her job because she didn’t really like what she was doing, and had developed a bad attitude.  However, her old boss pulled some strings, which allowed her to get unemployment.  She became really depressed in the weeks following losing her job, which I guess is normal.  But, at no point, did she make finding a new job a priority.  As a graphic designer, some of her friends tried to throw her some freelance work, but she didn’t take them up on it.  There was always an excuse.  Her loving parents payed her rent, so there was really no impact to me as her roommate, but the whole situation drove me crazy.  I mean, she screwed up, now fix it!  If she did inquire about part time work somewhere, she asked if she could be paid under the table, so she wouldn’t lose her unemployment checks.  I mean, heaven forbid she actually earn the money she’s getting!  I can remember coming home from work one day, and asked if she found any jobs to apply to, and she said no, but she had slept until noon, gone to the gym,  and made her boyfriend cookies.  It still gets under my skin when I think about it, even so many years after the fact.

Looking back, I’d say most people who force themselves out of bed every day to go to work, will look at this story and have something to criticize.  However, I did the same things when it came to my first real relationship.  When my ex provided feedback, I thought he was just being mean, and had some unrealistic expectations.  I became really down on myself, and allowed myself to play the victim.  I wanted my ex to do the work for me, and just tell me exactly what he wanted me to do.  I didn’t want to put forth the effort to learn what it meant to be a good relationship partner.  I also didn’t want to do the work without a guarantee that he would do certain things for me in return.  No different than my friend, who probably would have applied to a job if she without a doubt knew she would get it.  I wasn’t putting forth the effort I should have been.  Just like my friend who needed to be pushed to do what needed to be done, I needed my ex to constantly push me out of my comfort zone in order to generate the drive to be a better person, and a good relationship partner. 

As embarrassing as it is to admit my (now) very obvious mistakes, I still look back and know what I was thinking at the time.  I’m not angry with my past self, just disappointed that I didn’t know what I should have, and I lost something because of it.  What you don’t know, really can hurt you!