If there's one thing I did well in my past relationship, it was driving the love of my life away from me. I didn't take care of him the way I should have, and I don't want to ever treat anyone like that again. Writing helps me to think through things. So, I've compiled a list of things I wish I had done differently, so that I don't make these mistakes ever again.
Not making a change, the first time something is brought up. This was my biggest mistake. Unfortunately, even though I was hearing what my ex was telling me, I didn't fully understand what he was looking for. I don't blame myself not fully understanding, or comprehending what he wanted. I do, however, blame myself for not trying harder. I should have worked with him to figure out what he was trying to communicate with me. If, for no other reason, than it was upsetting him. I always looked at the things my ex would bring up to me at a very shallow level. And, I would think that all I needed to do was something to show him I'm making an effort to change. The thing is, trying to change is different than actually changing. I've since discovered, I was lying to myself as much as I was lying to my ex-boyfriend, when it came to making the changes needed for a successful relationship.
Letting things build. I truly give my ex-boyfriend credit. He is an excellent communicator. He may not have always communicated in the nicest way, but I always knew when he wasn't getting something he needed. I, on the other hand, would let things build up, and wouldn't tell him when things bothered me. So, there were days when he was trying to get me to understand what I was doing was hurting him, and I would blow up and tell him he was hurting me too. I would use the things he wasn't doing for me, as an excuse for not caring that I was in turn, not giving him what he needed to be happy.
I put my feelings first. The truth was not something I liked hearing. Therefore, anytime my ex would bring up the truth about a way I was acting, my feelings would be hurt. And, I would blame him for "being a jerk." Looking back, he's the best friend I ever had. But, at the time, I couldn't look past my hurt feelings, to see that he was hurting too. And, that was really self-centered of me. The sad thing is, I know that my ex was not the only victim of my self-centeredness.
I stopped communicating. I know that I took a lot of what I consider now to be the truth, as my ex just being overly critical. I couldn't have a conversation with him, without him jumping all over me for thinking a certain way, or not being completely accurate with the words that I was using. I felt like I couldn't say anything right, so I stopped talking. I should have tried harder to find the right words. Not communicating probably put the biggest wedge between us.
Being too needy. There are many ways in which I've been too needy. I wanted my ex to prove to me that I was worth loving. I needed him to fulfill this picture perfect fairy tale that I've been conjuring in my mind since I was 5 years old. I needed him to fill this void of loneliness. And, there is so much more... But, I can't depend on someone to make me feel good about myself. At least I can honestly say, I'm making strides in this area.
Not making a change, the first time something is brought up. This was my biggest mistake. Unfortunately, even though I was hearing what my ex was telling me, I didn't fully understand what he was looking for. I don't blame myself not fully understanding, or comprehending what he wanted. I do, however, blame myself for not trying harder. I should have worked with him to figure out what he was trying to communicate with me. If, for no other reason, than it was upsetting him. I always looked at the things my ex would bring up to me at a very shallow level. And, I would think that all I needed to do was something to show him I'm making an effort to change. The thing is, trying to change is different than actually changing. I've since discovered, I was lying to myself as much as I was lying to my ex-boyfriend, when it came to making the changes needed for a successful relationship.
Letting things build. I truly give my ex-boyfriend credit. He is an excellent communicator. He may not have always communicated in the nicest way, but I always knew when he wasn't getting something he needed. I, on the other hand, would let things build up, and wouldn't tell him when things bothered me. So, there were days when he was trying to get me to understand what I was doing was hurting him, and I would blow up and tell him he was hurting me too. I would use the things he wasn't doing for me, as an excuse for not caring that I was in turn, not giving him what he needed to be happy.
I put my feelings first. The truth was not something I liked hearing. Therefore, anytime my ex would bring up the truth about a way I was acting, my feelings would be hurt. And, I would blame him for "being a jerk." Looking back, he's the best friend I ever had. But, at the time, I couldn't look past my hurt feelings, to see that he was hurting too. And, that was really self-centered of me. The sad thing is, I know that my ex was not the only victim of my self-centeredness.
I stopped communicating. I know that I took a lot of what I consider now to be the truth, as my ex just being overly critical. I couldn't have a conversation with him, without him jumping all over me for thinking a certain way, or not being completely accurate with the words that I was using. I felt like I couldn't say anything right, so I stopped talking. I should have tried harder to find the right words. Not communicating probably put the biggest wedge between us.
Being too needy. There are many ways in which I've been too needy. I wanted my ex to prove to me that I was worth loving. I needed him to fulfill this picture perfect fairy tale that I've been conjuring in my mind since I was 5 years old. I needed him to fill this void of loneliness. And, there is so much more... But, I can't depend on someone to make me feel good about myself. At least I can honestly say, I'm making strides in this area.
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