I heard something recently that really got me thinking. And, that is,
if you have someone that you don't want to talk to or see, hope that bad things happen to this person, or withhold doing good for them for revengeful purposes, then you have some forgiving to
do. I don't know why I didn't think I was still angry with certain people
from my past, and even a few from my present, but alas… you really can't argue with the truth.
So, how does one forgive? It seems easier said than done. But, it's helpful to understand what forgiveness really means. There are two types of forgiveness... full-hearted true forgiveness, and half-hearted forgiveness. Half-hearted forgiveness is what I've been doing most of my life. I'll say all the right things, and even tell someone I forgive them, but only because it's the polite thing to do. I still dwell and ruminate on the incident, will never forget it, and will end up resenting the individual.
To know that you've truly forgiven someone, you must have done the below three things:
We have to remember though, that forgiving someone, in no way makes the other person right, nor does it excuse their behavior. And, it definitely doesn't mean that you won't have feelings about the situation, that will continue to bubble up throughout your life. The best explanation I have found is that by forgiving, you are simply acknowledging that someone hurt you in some way, and you are trying to find a way to live in a state of resolution with what happened.
First, acknowledge that you got hurt! I get so tired of trying to play off things people do or say that hurt me, in order to avoid a conflict. And, what I end up doing, is pushing the feelings aside internally as well as externally. Simply acknowledging what happened, is incredibly healing.
Now, without excusing what the other person did, ask yourself if the other person knew any better. Do they think they're being helpful or honest? Or, maybe their upbringing has taught them that a certain kind of behavior is acceptable. Or, possibly something has happened to them that is so horrible, that they haven't been able to deal with it yet. Acknowledge that the other person is human, and while their actions did hurt you, recognize that they have faults and shortcomings they need to learn and grow from, just like you. Also, did you have a part in the incident? Could you have done something differently? Even though you're feeling a little like the victim here, what can you learn from this situation? Maybe the lesson is simply that you need to stand up for yourself, or find a way to respectfully show the other person where your boundary is, and be firm when someone tries to cross it.
We need to remember that our actions required Jesus to take up the cross, and die for us in a very brutal and agonizing way. Jesus hung on the cross, and said Father forgive them, they don't know what they're doing. Just like the person who hurt us, we are not innocent. Also, keep in mind that God loves us all equally, even our offenders. We have a propensity to value ourselves over the other person, we may discredit them by calling them names, and essentially give ourselves permission to treat them poorly. Lastly, God will judge us all fairly. So, we must give the issue over to God, and allow Him to make His judgment. In some cases, He might punish, and in others He might show mercy. We don't know everything going on in the other person's life. What I've also found to be particularly helpful, is to pray that God blesses the offenders of my past and present. In the beginning, I was just going through the motions. I was praying for these people that hurt me because I was supposed to, even though I really hoped God's judgment would be to punish them. But, after a while my prayers became more and more genuine.
These feelings of anger, hurt, and frustration, will continue to be triggered throughout your life. There have been people that I won't think about for months, and then something will trigger a memory, and I'm back to thinking negative hateful thoughts about them. We just have to continue to do these same steps each time the hurt feelings preset themselves.
As your going through the process of forgiveness, remember that you are forgiving for yourself. What we give, is given back to us. Whether you look at this from a religious stand point, or simply karma. By letting go, we are not making the other person right. We are simply freeing ourselves from a painful past, and allowing ourselves the freedom to love in the future. Because we really can't love anyone if we're hateful, spiteful, and bitter.
So, how does one forgive? It seems easier said than done. But, it's helpful to understand what forgiveness really means. There are two types of forgiveness... full-hearted true forgiveness, and half-hearted forgiveness. Half-hearted forgiveness is what I've been doing most of my life. I'll say all the right things, and even tell someone I forgive them, but only because it's the polite thing to do. I still dwell and ruminate on the incident, will never forget it, and will end up resenting the individual.
To know that you've truly forgiven someone, you must have done the below three things:
- You have permanently forgiven all debts, and this other person owes you nothing.
- You are not punishing the other person, and when you see them you treat them with respect, and will not act in an unbecoming way.
- You are not publicly or privately judging this person. Once you've forgiven the individual, you will not talk bad about them, whether it's in a public forum or privately to your best friend. You will not call them names, or make slanderous statements.
We have to remember though, that forgiving someone, in no way makes the other person right, nor does it excuse their behavior. And, it definitely doesn't mean that you won't have feelings about the situation, that will continue to bubble up throughout your life. The best explanation I have found is that by forgiving, you are simply acknowledging that someone hurt you in some way, and you are trying to find a way to live in a state of resolution with what happened.
First, acknowledge that you got hurt! I get so tired of trying to play off things people do or say that hurt me, in order to avoid a conflict. And, what I end up doing, is pushing the feelings aside internally as well as externally. Simply acknowledging what happened, is incredibly healing.
Now, without excusing what the other person did, ask yourself if the other person knew any better. Do they think they're being helpful or honest? Or, maybe their upbringing has taught them that a certain kind of behavior is acceptable. Or, possibly something has happened to them that is so horrible, that they haven't been able to deal with it yet. Acknowledge that the other person is human, and while their actions did hurt you, recognize that they have faults and shortcomings they need to learn and grow from, just like you. Also, did you have a part in the incident? Could you have done something differently? Even though you're feeling a little like the victim here, what can you learn from this situation? Maybe the lesson is simply that you need to stand up for yourself, or find a way to respectfully show the other person where your boundary is, and be firm when someone tries to cross it.
We need to remember that our actions required Jesus to take up the cross, and die for us in a very brutal and agonizing way. Jesus hung on the cross, and said Father forgive them, they don't know what they're doing. Just like the person who hurt us, we are not innocent. Also, keep in mind that God loves us all equally, even our offenders. We have a propensity to value ourselves over the other person, we may discredit them by calling them names, and essentially give ourselves permission to treat them poorly. Lastly, God will judge us all fairly. So, we must give the issue over to God, and allow Him to make His judgment. In some cases, He might punish, and in others He might show mercy. We don't know everything going on in the other person's life. What I've also found to be particularly helpful, is to pray that God blesses the offenders of my past and present. In the beginning, I was just going through the motions. I was praying for these people that hurt me because I was supposed to, even though I really hoped God's judgment would be to punish them. But, after a while my prayers became more and more genuine.
As your going through the process of forgiveness, remember that you are forgiving for yourself. What we give, is given back to us. Whether you look at this from a religious stand point, or simply karma. By letting go, we are not making the other person right. We are simply freeing ourselves from a painful past, and allowing ourselves the freedom to love in the future. Because we really can't love anyone if we're hateful, spiteful, and bitter.
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