Sometimes I find it helpful to look at what I should not be doing, in order to see what I really need to improve on in order to be truly happy. We've all had that friend, at some point in our lives, that is extremely negative. The person that needs constant reassurance or praise that they're pretty enough, or smart enough. Or, that person that somehow always has something that has gone terribly wrong in their lives, and they're just miserable.
I realized that in some ways... I've been that friend!
By being negative, I can see how I've pushed people away. And, while I have friends, I don't consider them to be extremely close. I realize, now that I'm pretty much alone, how important having other people, with whom you can be open and vulnerable with, in your life are.
So, I've compiled a list of things that I'm making sure I don't do in the future.
Turn the negative aspects of my life into my identity. I catch myself now and again, making comments about how I'm the single girl, in the sea of all of my married girlfriends. How unfair it is, that I have to make a life for myself on a single person's income, in a dual income society. Somewhere along the lines, I decided that becoming the sad, single girl was an identity I wanted to have. I think it's because I wanted someone to metaphorically put their arm around my shoulders, and say, that everything is going to work out. That I am worth loving, and that I have a lot of great parts to me that would make a good man happy.
Take things too personally. Your best friends will tell you what you don't want to hear, while your fake friends will just try to make you feel better. The next time I have a true friend give me feedback, I'll take it as a compliment, because they care enough about me to tell me the truth. Something else I take too personally, is if someone is perpetually late. It's my opinion that if someone is late, they obviously don't care. But, I do realize that some people are just never on time. So, as long as this person is late for everything, and not just for me, then I won't be taking offense anymore. These are just two of many examples...
Avoid gratitude. Too often I focus on what I don't have, instead of on all the great people and opportunities in my life. And, when I think of what I don't have, my focus tends to turn to money, and how I need more of it. This can turn into a vicious cycle, because, what I've learned is that money - while necessary- cannot bring happiness into your life. This is why, instead of getting a second job to try to get more of the things I want in life, I'm looking to volunteer, and make meaningful connections with other people.
Blame others. It's so easy to blame other people, isn't it!? It's my parents fault for not teaching me to have more self-discipline, to self-reflect, and punishing me when I got moody, instead of letting it slide. It's my boss' fault for hiring the new girl, who happens to be making my work life unbearable. My failed relationship is my ex's fault. No matter the circumstances, it always takes two. And, if I think that I've done everything 100% perfect, where it really is the other person's fault, then I need to look again. Because there is always something that I could have done better.
Be easily bothered. I'm not one of those people that say I hate people. I don't hate people. But, man they can be annoying sometimes! I can be too sensitive, and want certain things the way I want them. Like, I don't want to smell my neighbors weed everyday. I don't want to listen to some guy's music on the train because he doesn't want to use headphones. And, I really don't like being stuck behind someone on the road who thinks that just because they're not in a hurry, no one else is either. But the truth is, I can be too focused on my own needs, and need to roll with the punches a little bit better.
Obsess over the past. There have definitely been certain instances in the past, that I would rather forget. Thinking about the times when I thought a so called friend treated me unfairly, can still get me all hot and bothered some 20 years later. I'm getting better in the sense that during those times, I can recognize what I'm doing, and force myself to think about something else. But, there have been many times where I let something that happened in the past, ruin my present day.
Try to please others. Originally, I was going to say that I did this a lot in high school. I would do whatever it took to keep my parents off my back. I got good grades, I made enough cash at my part time job that I wasn't constantly asking them for spending money, and I was responsible with regards to my after school activities. At the time my motto was "fly under the radar." But, the truth is, I have carried this unhealthy practice forward. And, in many ways, I still do the same things today.
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