Controlling My Emotions

In the past I would have never considered myself an emotional person.  I internalized everything (and for the most part still do), and would rather cut off my arm that actually admit that something is bothering me.  But, in my attempts to seem perfectly content and happy, regardless of how much I might be hurting, my emotions told an entirely different story.  I’ve discovered that my emotions come out because I actually want my feelings to be recognized.  I want someone to say, “Yeah, I know it sucks and it’s asking a lot, but would you please find time to finish this rush request today?”  But when does that happen?  In my experience, it’s pretty rare.

What is the difference between feelings and emotions?

There is actually a difference between feelings and emotions.  Feelings express your true self.  Our feelings are based off of our personal life beliefs and character.  Emotions, however, are actually how you respond to life events. 

Basically, my understanding is that feelings are what they are, and you’re entitled to feel whatever you feel.  However, emotions are something that we can control.

One small step…

A friend of mine referred me to “Feeling Good” and “The Feeling Good Handbook” both written by David Burns.  Reading these books has been life changing.  I’ve learned that a large part of why I feel up, down, or sideways is in a large part because of how I view the world.  I’ve learned to talk better internally to myself and to quell the need to criticize, over-generalize, and assume I know what other people are thinking.  All my negative views and self-talk was giving me anxiety issues and (to my surprise) mild depression.  These issues are not entirely gone, but I do feel better about myself.  And, I feel like I have the tools to work through these feelings when I need to. 

Methods to Control my Emotions:  

Now, that I feel that I’m better able to see the truth (and not my perceived view) of situations, I want to work on controlling how I react to things.  I’m staring my moodiness in the face, and it is going down!  Yeah!  Rawr!  Below are some methods that I’ve been trying over the last couple of weeks.

1.       Calm myself down.

Most people ask how you’re doing, but don’t really care.  It’s called small-talk, and let’s be honest, most of us don’t really care to hear about the other person’s problems when we say, “Hi!  How are you doing today?”  So, since I noticed that I have a need to have my feelings recognized, I’m doing that for myself.  When I notice myself being moody, I’ll ask myself what I’m feeling, and what is causing me to feel that way.  I’ll tell myself that most people would probably feel the same way if they were in my shoes, but I’m not going to punish everyone around me because of my own personal issues.   I’ll only be that much stronger for being able to get past my emotions.  Ultimately, I’m just listening to myself and then giving myself a pep talk.  Oh my Lord, did I just become my own best friend!?

2.       Try to see the bigger picture.

Many times, I get irritated because people at work will send multiple “follow-up” emails, which I interpret them as saying… “Where’s my shit!?  I need it now, you unproductive slow poke!”  And, in my head I’m saying, “I’m BUSY!!!  I’ll get to your freakin’ request when I can!!”  But, to be honest, I send those follow up emails too.  You have to or things won’t get done!  So, I’m trying to remember that I would do the same thing if I were in the other person’s shoes.  And, not just in this particular situation, but in all situations I come across daily. 

3.       Recognize my emotional Stimuli.

I admit that sometimes my expectations are unreasonable.  So, when what I think should happen doesn’t, I do get moody and irritated.  I also hate to be held up and made to be late.  Timeliness is something that really important to me.  I need to learn to take a deep breath and go with the flow a little bit better.  Getting upset is not going to make the train move any faster.  I need to tell myself, “I can’t do anything about this situation, so what are my next steps to get my goals accomplished.” 

4.       Stop Judging People – show empathy.

Everyone has their flaws, and unfortunately, I’m in the habit of only being forgiving of those flaws that I myself have.  So, when it comes to people like smokers… I’m totally judgmental and unforgiving.  I certainly have my bad habits and addictions.  And, I need to remember that.

5.       Finding the grain of truth in negative feedback.

I’m not really good at receiving negative feedback, particularly from someone who I don’t really respect as a person.  I’ve also got a bad habit of disregarding feedback that I disagree with.  Over the last several years, I’ve come to terms with the fact that I may receive feedback from anywhere, from anyone, and I may disagree with it.  But if I’m going to improve as a person, I can’t miss an opportunity to learn something about myself.  What I’ve learned is that the other person is not going to give the feedback perfectly, so I need to accept the fact that there’s truth in their statement someone.  I just have to figure out where.